I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
jump out the window naked night went bad
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