Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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