Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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