I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Randomize
