Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Randomize
