just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Is Oprah even human
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
