You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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