Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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