I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize