you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
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