I'm lost and stupid without you.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Idk if I want to put a bra on
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