My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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