I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize