I wish I only lived at night.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
