i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
