I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
