4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
