Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
