You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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