I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Randomize
