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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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