nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
