and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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