So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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