I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
