my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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