Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
