Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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