i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
