my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Randomize
