just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
