what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Randomize
