i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
