I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
