i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
