u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Randomize