i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
