Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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