You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
