Old men and throwing up are my life now.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I am mentally ready for anal.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
