she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize