He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Randomize