ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Randomize