Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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