Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
All the doctor said was why
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
