laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
