dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
