Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
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