He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
