i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
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