Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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