Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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