Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
