May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
