went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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