got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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